STEP FAMILIES (part 2)

Today's article will continue to focus on Stepfamilies. (Note: Today's thoughts have been taken from SMART STEPS - A Research-based family life education program for Couples and Children forming Stepfamilies, written by Stepfamily Association of America.) Never has there been a greater need to offer a program in our communities that provides information and skills necessary for healthy stepfamily functioning. Let's consider some common Stepfamily myths:

Myth #1: Love occurs instantly between the child and the stepparent.
This is what we may want but it is a totally unrealistic expectation. Establishing relationships takes time - it does not happen overnight or by magic. By having a more realistic expectation, we can be pleased whenever we see respect and friendship grow, and less disappointed if it takes more time than we anticipated.

Myth #2: Older children are usually more capable of handling marital transitions.
To the contrary, research indicates that the older the child, the longer the transition process. An older child or adolescent has more history with their biological parents and more memories of "how it used to be." Developmentally, they are focused on themselves (egocentric) and often respond by personalizing the situation – "You have messed up MY life." The most successful form of parenting with older children and adolescents is a warm, supportive role, with the biological parent as the primary disciplinarian.

Myth #3: Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged.
Children go through a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often respond to their children's pain with guilt. Somehow they feel they can "make it up" to them. This leads to difficulties in responding appropriately to our children's hurt and setting appropriate limits - an important part of parenting. Researchers have hopeful news about children of divorce and remarriage. Although it takes some time, most children do recover their emotional equilibrium. Five and 10 years later most are found to be no different, in many important ways, from kids in first marriage families.

Myth #4: Stepmothers are wicked.
This myth is based on the fairy tales we all hear as children. This negative concept of the stepmother impacts us in a very personal way and we may be very self-conscious about our step parenting. Research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

Myth #5: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.
People are optimistic and hopeful when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope or expectation is that once the wedding vows are spoken life will return to normal (whatever that this), you are going to be disappointed. Usually a person can count on at least taking four years for some kind of cohesion to be experienced within the family.

Myth #6: In the beginning it is important to focus on establishing the stepparent-stepchild relationship.
Although the stepparent-stepchild relationship is important and it can impact the marital relationship, it is most important to strengthen the couple relationship. The marital relationship creates the stepfamily. It is the newest and usually the most vulnerable relationship. Investing time in building the marital relationship is time invested in strengthening the family.

Changing the way we think will often change the way we act!

To Be Continued - part 3