STEP FAMILIES

STEP FAMILIES

In the previous 3 articles, I've written about the importance of preparing our child(ren) to deal with 'LOSS"! In my opinion, teaching our children the "how to's" of processing "emotional pain" in an appropriate, effective and healthy manner ranks up in the top 5 life skills that parents can help their children to learn. Today's article looks at how this issue of "loss" works itself out for Adults and Children in Stepfamilies. (Note: Many of today's thoughts have been taken from SMART STEPS - A Research-based family life education program for Couples and Children forming Stepfamilies, written by Stepfamily Association of America.)

Stepfamilies come about because of a loss. ALL stepfamilies have, in all probability, faced numerous losses and changes. Something has "ended" and "endings" are hard because they mean adjusting to loss and change. Because people have trouble separating from old ties, endings mean grieving. Both adults and children grieve.

Adults grieve:

The loss of a partner.
The loss of a marriage relationship.
The loss of our dreams about the way we thought it would be because we are not "the first" for our new partner.
The losses involved in the changes that happen because of the death or divorce (moving, a new job, change in life style, etc.)

Children grieve:

The loss of a parent (even if the non-residential parent visits regularly).
The loss or lessened availability of the remaining parent when courtship and remarriage occur.
The loss of stability.
The changes that happen because of the divorce or death (new place to live, new school, loss of friends, lack of finances for music lessons, sports, etc.)
The loss of their fantasy of family the way they want it to be.

Unresolved grief can sometimes be seen in the continued warfare and hostility between some parents, or in the inability of a child to accept a stepparent. Children and adults may still be grieving when remarriage takes place, or the grieving may be "reactivated" at that time.

To be successful, it is important that stepfamilies "nurture and enrich" the couple relationship through:

Affirming each other frequently! Demonstrate affection.

Spending "alone" time together.

Being honest and open with each other.

Fighting fairly!

Remember that "little things mean a lot!"

To Be Continued - part 2