What You Should Know About Conflict

January 22, 2006

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT CONFLICT

This month's article is focused on "What You Should Know" about "Conflict"! Research done on couples who have divorced show that happy couples know how to resolve their disagreements while unhappy couples do not. ALL COUPLES, HAPPY AND UNHAPPY, HAVE CONFLICT. Conflicts are inevitable. Conflicts don't in themselves predict divorce. But there are recognizable patterns of behaviour and thinking that lead to divorce. Strategies to break or prevent negative patterns are easily learned if the "willingness" is there! Four ineffective behaviours that unhappy and distressed couples often resort to are:

Criticism.
There's a big difference between complaining and criticizing. A complaint focuses on a specific behaviour, such as "I'm angry that you didn't put clothes in the hamper." But a criticism goes the next step and assigns a character trait, like, "You're so lazy....what a slob."
Defensiveness.
In response to a complaint, it might seem natural to defend oneself. But rather than defuse the attack, this response usually escalates it. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming the other person. In effect, we are saying, "The problem isn't me, it's you.!"

Contempt.
Too much negativity leads to conversations tainted with sarcasm, cynicism, and mockery. Contempt is poisonous in a relationship. It conveys disgust and it eats away at any good in the relationship.

Stonewalling.
When there's no hope of progress, one partner (the man in 85% of cases) simply tunes out. He doesn't care; he doesn't even appear to hear. Stonewalling usually arrives last. It represents a deadly disconnection.

A handout I find useful is "How I Respond to Conflict: Can You Follow the Rules?" You may find it useful to see how well you are doing.

Don't fight to win. Nobody wins when you do. Remember you are fighting to solve the problem, not to win. Be willing to negotiate or give in when necessary.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this
Be sure that you understand exactly what the problem is. If you are not sure why you are having a conflict, discuss it.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this
Take care of a problem when it comes up. Don't let it get too big to handle. Even if the problem seems small, if you don't deal with it at the time it happens, the problem will only get bigger.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

Talk about only one conflict at a time. Don't bring up all the old problems that have happened in the past. Stick to the problem that you are having at the moment.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

Don't blame others for problems you are having with someone else. If you are mad at your brother, don't yell at your best friend. Directly tell each person what is bothering you.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

Think before you speak. If you say mean things to your family or friends to speak sarcastically to them even though you are just teasing, you are really hurting them. If you have something constructive to say, be sure that you say it in a way that will be helpful and not harmful.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

Never strike another person to get your way. Physical violence or abuse (hitting, punching, kicking, or slapping) is NEVER acceptable behaviour. If you do this as an adult, it is a "crime".

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

Try writing down your feelings. If the person you are having the conflict with will not discuss the problem, or you are not comfortable enough to talk with him or her about it, write a letter. You can decide later whether you want to mail it. Even though you aren't able to talk it over with the other person, you will understand more about how you feel when you have read your words over again.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

Listen to what the other person has to say. Each person involved has his or own point of view and should have the chance to express it without being interrupted.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

When the fight is over, drop it. Forgive and forget. Move on. Don't keep bringing up the fight or hold on to your anger once an argument is over, even if it was not resolved the way you wanted.

I do this:

5 4 3 2 1

Very well Sometimes Really need to work on this

I do this:
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Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
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Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

I do this:
5	4	3	2	1
Very well		Sometimes	Really need to work on this

Scoring:

13 or more true answers:	Great! You have some important skills that will prevent negative patterns from developing.
7-12 true answers:	This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can build on, but there are also some weaknesses that need tending.
6 or fewer true answers:	Honest talk and conscious effect is needed to build on skills in your relationship.

A good rule to follow is the "Golden Rule":

"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behaviour. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get."
Matthew 7:12 (The Bible -The Message Translation)