OVERCOMING THE NEED TO FIX

Continuing our series involving 'control issues', this month's article will focus on 'Overcoming the Need to Fix'.  Many of today's thoughts have been taken from the manual, Tools for Coping Series, authored by James J. Messina, Ph.D., & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.  Let's begin by identifying what is meant by the 'need to fix'.

• Compulsively driven behaviour to rescue or help another person, place, or thing to be the way you believe it "should be.''

• Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then that person can never fully be happy in life.

• Obsessive need to have every thing, person, and place "perfect'' or "correct'' in order for you to be comfortable enough to be relaxed and accepting of them. Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are and the chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable.

• Acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what is good for them so you strive to correct their thinking to "see the light'' in your way.

• Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person, place, or thing that is hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that they are hindered from personal growth and accepting personal responsibility for their own actions.

• Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth and personal mastery in life.

• Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when they haven't asked for your help or assistance.

• Driven to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly involved and over-responsible in your relationships with persons, places, and things. Result of a pattern of getting approval and recognition from others for "helping'' in the past with the belief that this is the only way you can have meaning in life.

• Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their own lives and actions. "Doing for'' another is not helping another get strong, healthy, or independent. Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they are ever going to fix it and that, if you try to fix the problem, then you are taking on ownership of the problem as your own.

• Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the responsibility for the other's actions on you, which is not where it belongs.

• Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you and those whom you desire to fix. This involves developing a healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things whom you feel driven to "fix".

• Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.

• Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself and not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for what you do for them.

• Accept that in "helping'' another the goal and purpose is to help the other to help himself.

• Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational thinking and feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others free to "fix'' themselves.

• Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself, and that all others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves.

• Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront you when you are caught up in the need to "fix'' them.

• Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places, and things you feel compelled to fix.

• Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is your fantasy and dream and not necessarily theirs.

• Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both parties must work on it to fix it if they are to come to a compromise and healthy "win win'' resolution.

• Identify that obligation and over-responsibility are not healthy enough reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others.

• Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee" relationship is unhealthy for you and the other.

A Simple Guide for Behaviour: Jesus gave us a simple guide for behaviour. Rather than trying to fix everyone's problems or correct everyone's faults, concentrate on being the person you were meant to be. In Matthew 7:1-5, Jesus tells his disciples,

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbour's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbour." (The Message)