THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE (part 2)

Much of what you will read in Part 2 comes from the book, The Case for Marriage, by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher. The two questions that this article will discuss are:

1. Is marriage merely a private, personal, intimate, and emotional relationship built entirely by two individuals for their own personal happiness & satisfaction, in which the larger society has no stake and no role?

2. Is there a difference between marriage ("holy wedlock") and cohabitation?

It has been suggested that North America has embraced a "post marriage culture". In other words, in our search for autonomy and independence we have now entered a time in history whereby we can enjoy the "benefits" of marriage without the necessity of a public marriage ceremony! And essentially what that means is that marriage for some has become viewed as unnecessary, optional - a matter of personal taste & preference. Marriage, as we have known it, will probably never disappear but the shape it may take in the future may well be different than what it once was!

Question: Has marriage, therefore, become less important to North Americans? Absolutely not! As a result of the findings from extensive surveys, researchers are discovering that North Americans are still rating marriage at the top of their list when it comes to their own life goals. Ninety-three percent of Americans rate "having a happy marriage" as either one of the most important, or very important objectives. But the paradox is this: while this is what they say, cohabitation is now more popular than ever. More men and women are moving in together, sharing an apartment and a bed, without getting married first! And not only are more couples living together, they are doing so more openly. Why this apparent contradiction, this speaking out of both sides of the mouth at the same time? On one hand, they talk about marriage as a sacred covenant that is greater than the two people who are entering the marriage, and yet, on the other hand, they are making choices & decisions that completely privatizes marriage, or as Hillary Clinton put it, "I learned a long time ago that the only two people who count in any marriage are the two who are in it."

It has been noted that since the 1970's in North America, a very interesting phenomenon has occurred: words are undergoing a radical shift in meaning! "Marriage", is a good example of a word that is undergoing such a "shift" of meaning. Another example is the word "spirituality". When people use such words as "God", "truth", "light", "darkness", they may have an altogether different meaning than what the traditional understanding of that word has been!

So coming back to marriage, how has the "meaning" of marriage changed? For many, marriage has come to mean an intimate, deeply personal relationship between 2 people - that's it! But for years, it meant that, but it meant much more than that! Marriage was not, is not and ought never to be limited to a private vow simply between two people! IT IS A PUBLIC ACT, A COVENANT, TAKEN IN FULL PUBLIC VIEW, ENFORCEABLE BY LAW AND IN THE EQUALLY POWERFUL COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION! When a person marries, the public commitment that is made changes the way one thinks about themselves and the one they love; it changes the way one acts and thinks about the future; and it changes how other people and other institutions treat you as well!

The vow addresses the issue of who will take care of them when disaster strikes ("for better or for worse"). In a sense, marriage provides a kind of insurance that money can't buy. A husband may help care for his wife following her surgery; a wife may assist her husband in therapy for his bad back. And if one partner becomes disabled, the other may fill in, working more to replace lost earnings, providing care for the disabled spouse, or doing the household tasks the other is no longer capable of doing.

The marriage vow also gives one a sense of being important to someone ("cleaving unto you alone"). It's that sense that not only does the other person love you but also needs you and in a healthy way, depends upon you.

Then there is the key advantage of knowing that whatever problems you may face, you won't have to face them alone! Just knowing that there will be emotional & social support during the hard times can be very reassuring & strengthening.

Cohabitation, by contrast, is seen by partners and society as more of a temporary arrangement. The majority of cohabiters either break up or marry within two years.

(To be continued- Part 3)

For your consideration: After reflecting upon Psalm 23, what needs would you say are met in: (a) our relationship with God, and, (b) within our marriage.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23