THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE
In these articles on "The Case For Marriage" I am quoting and commenting on material found in the book "The Case for Marriage" by Linda J. Waite & Maggie Gallagher (note: I am not necessarily endorsing all of the ideas, agendas, or proposals found in the book). In my opinion, this is 'must reading' for those who believe that a lifelong vow of fidelity is unrealistic or oppressive, especially to women. It's groundbreaking because the authors provide clear, essential guidelines for re-establishing marriage as the foundation for a healthy and happy society. Based on extensive research in sociology, economics, medicine, psychology, sexology, and law, their findings contradict the anti-marriage myths that have become so common to North Americans.
Some may wonder why I would use a 'secular' book for my starting point rather than the Bible. My primary reason is to allow the objective findings of research on the long-term benefits of being and staying married speak for themselves. And guess what? It's truly amazing how consistent those findings are with what the Bible has maintained all along!
Prior to the 70's, who would have thought that the institution of marriage would have come so severely under attack, so much so, that a culture would come to view marriage as 'unnecessary', or, 'optional' - simply another 'lifestyle choice'! How was our culture able to reach this conclusion?
At the risk of oversimplification, our culture seems to have embraced two (2) values, whether consciously or not, as being the highest human good: the search for autonomy (self-determination) and independence (not dependent on or part of some larger group, system, etc). And what seems to happen in many instances is that these values end up competing with each other: between rights & needs, between individualism and community, between fear & hope, between freedom and love. What were the roots to this phenomenon? Some would say that the roots for such a philosophical mindset was centered in the feminists movement. Increasingly, one could hear the more outspoken feminists denouncing marriage per se as "slavery", "legalized rape", and "promoting dependency". A very common complaint that counsellors and therapists were hearing from unhappy couples was that they were feeling "trapped" by their marriages. As one 1995 college textbook put it, "Marriage has an adverse effect on women's mental health."
Is North America as a society becoming a "post marriage culture?" More will be said about this in future articles.
"The Case For Marriage" identifies five (5) myths of our contemporary culture.
| Myth #1: | "Divorce is usually the best answer for kids when a marriage becomes unhappy." |
| Myth #2: | "Marriage is mostly about children; if you don't have kids, it doesn't matter whether you cohabit or marry or stay single." |
| Myth #3: | "Marriage may be good for men, but is bad for women, damaging their health and self-esteem and limiting their opportunities." |
| Myth #4: | "Promoting marriage and marital obligation put women at risk for violence." |
| Myth #5: | "Marriage is essentially a private matter, an affair of the heart between two adults, in which no outsider, not even the children of the marriage, should be allowed to interfere." |
Of these 5 myths, the authors believe that the most powerful and dangerous myth is also the easiest to miss - because it goes to the heart of changes in our understanding of what the marriage relation is. The biggest change is the most subtle: Increasingly we tend to view marriage not as an objective fact but a subjective emotion - an inner feeling rather than an outer relation. The single most dangerous myth of our culture is the idea that marriage - or divorce - is, can be, or should be, just another lifestyle choice, a purely personal relation created by the couple, for the couple.
Privatizing marriage is profoundly counterproductive. For at the heart of the unacknowledged war on marriage is the attempt to demote marriage from a unique public commitment - supported by law, society, and custom - to a private relationship, terminable at will, which is nobody else's business. This demotion is done in the name of choice - but re-imagining marriage as purely private relation doesn't expand anyone's choices. For what it ultimately takes away from individuals is marriage itself, the choice to enter that uniquely powerful and life-enhancing bond that is large and more durable than the immediate, shifting feelings of two individuals.
"Haven't you read," He (Jesus) replied,
"that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Matthew 19:4-6
Continued in Part 2